This long dark tunnel which now surrounds me seems has taken shape quickly. I do not even remember stepping into this void of darkness but just now realize it is here and I can not find how I came to be inside. The last I recall I was standing in beautiful sunshine with the entire world within view. My family and friends all within sight. We were laughing and having such a good time. I can even remember walking hand-in-hand with someone through fields of aromatic flowers. Watching the birds soaring in the skies above us. The weather was warm with the most perfect breeze, like little kisses on my cheeks. Some how this tunnel has sucked me into a place secluded from all I have known and loved. At first I am shaken and confused locked away it seems in this darkened place. I have to calm myself and gather my senses. What senses I do have left anyway. There is no sound, there is no smell and I can not see anything, not even the hand before my face. All I can do is feel my way around and hope to find something that might open this tunnel to the outside again. Maybe if I turn to what is behind me and retrace my steps I will be able to step back through this portal which has brought me to this existence. I try this and only find walls in each turn but one. The portal is sealed shut with no signs of escape. Going back is not an option. There is only one path forward and it is a path of many dips, and large caverns. Do I dare descend downward in the darkness or stay on this level and hope to not fall? I cry out for help but even the sounds of my own voice are silenced. In my own head I am the only one that can hear me cry, scream and beg for help. I scream so much that even the silent screams cause my head to hurt and I wish I would stop screaming myself. How do you stop your screams when they are silent?
I sit myself down slowly sliding my body against a wall for support. I find comfort in the fact that something here even if just a wall...is at least solid. I am tired of looking into the darkened waste and think maybe eventually my eyes will adjust but have very little faith in that. I search myself for my belongings only to find I have nothing but the clothing on my back and the shoes on my feet. Little comfort except for the thought my feet are protected against this dirt trail that runs throughout this tunnel. I close my eyes to the darkness I am tired of looking at it and would rather see the darkness through closed eyelids for the time being.
Oubliette...(Tunnel of Love) ... Flooding with Rivers of Tears
I sit with eyes closed reflecting on the images that flash through my memories. Thoughts of things I have experienced throughout my lifetime thus far. People that have touched my life. Even those I vaguely recall meeting in some obscure place and time. If only the hands of time could be reversed, but don't we all wish for that from time to time. These thoughts are my only consolence in this seclusion I now find myself. Once again I open my eyes to see nothing. I strain my ears to hear nothing. Tears stream my face and chills run through my veins. I gasp for air for fear of being locked in a jail that seems to have no escape. No communication. I grow weary and my body weak from emotional exhaustion. Hours pass and I wonder each time a tear falls if ever they will quit. I have reached the lowest point of existance. Lonliness, isolation, seclusion and most of all entrapment. It riddles me and no answers surface. Why, why has this happened to me.
What have I done to be in a place such as this. And again the tears fall like water off a cliffside into a larger pool of collected tears below. My hands fall to my side hitting now the muddy dirt beneath me. I have cried so much I am now sitting in a puddle of tears. Like a puddle of mud the weight of my body begins to sink as if in quicksand and it feels as if it is pulling me under. I want to give into the strength in which it pulls at me but my survival instincts will not allow this. I reach out to the dark and continue to find something, anything solid to hold onto. The tears have stopped falling as I struggle to save myself. I frantically search until I find something. There must be something. Then I remember that the more you fight the quicksand the stronger it pulls and I force myself to quit the struggle and take a deep breath to calm myself. I can fight this. I can pull myself to safety. I will survive. There is nothing in this darkness that can harm me unless I allow it. Finally I have found a solid object to hold onto and with all the determination I can manage I begin to pull myself out of the tear filled pit and back to the comfort of solid ground once again.
What have I done to be in a place such as this. And again the tears fall like water off a cliffside into a larger pool of collected tears below. My hands fall to my side hitting now the muddy dirt beneath me. I have cried so much I am now sitting in a puddle of tears. Like a puddle of mud the weight of my body begins to sink as if in quicksand and it feels as if it is pulling me under. I want to give into the strength in which it pulls at me but my survival instincts will not allow this. I reach out to the dark and continue to find something, anything solid to hold onto. The tears have stopped falling as I struggle to save myself. I frantically search until I find something. There must be something. Then I remember that the more you fight the quicksand the stronger it pulls and I force myself to quit the struggle and take a deep breath to calm myself. I can fight this. I can pull myself to safety. I will survive. There is nothing in this darkness that can harm me unless I allow it. Finally I have found a solid object to hold onto and with all the determination I can manage I begin to pull myself out of the tear filled pit and back to the comfort of solid ground once again.
It continues - It's a Lonely Day
The struggle has left me weak and I feel the lonliness of my dark seclusion. I have only myself and the thougts that whirl about in my head. I realize more now than ever the importance of having people in my life. People the cause of so much anguish and yet at the same time so much need. People that bring emotions both good and bad. Without these people my human needs are left untouched and fading. To be alone, truly alone leaves myself entirely just that, to myself alone. I wonder what my life would be like if I never knew people. Never had people touch my life. To never have heard the voice of another. What thoughts would I have. Would my thoughts even have words to describe them. Would I even know what lonliness is.
I recoil my body and succumb to this imprisonment of my mind. This Tunnel as I have decided to call it. This darkness and forboding place within myself. I can feel my body tremble as it slowly begins to release the tensions I have placed upon it. I can feel my blood within flow through my veins. I am alive although I feel near death. If I but close my eyes will it be forever. Will I awaken to find this just some nightmare my own mind has conjured.
I recoil my body and succumb to this imprisonment of my mind. This Tunnel as I have decided to call it. This darkness and forboding place within myself. I can feel my body tremble as it slowly begins to release the tensions I have placed upon it. I can feel my blood within flow through my veins. I am alive although I feel near death. If I but close my eyes will it be forever. Will I awaken to find this just some nightmare my own mind has conjured.
My thoughts stay focused on this line of thinking and some how during this it takes me back to years gone past. I reflect like a mirror on the memories as they flash like a movie in choppy pieces playing through my head. Taking me back, way back to my years as a toddler... learning to walk, learning to speak, learning how to live and communicate. learning how to do things that eventually will become things I will take for granted. To walk, to speak, to dress, to work, to think.
You Never Knew Me Anyway
I have survived my first night of peaceful rest in this place. I awaken to now find a dim light shining far off in the distance. My first impulse is to rush towards that light but the thoughts of moths burning from such actions causes me hesitation. My heart pounds in my chest from the anxiety of wanting to go it, to touch it, to find its source but my body repels these impulses and I sit blinking and wondering if this light is real or false. If this light is a trap only looking as if it is a possible means towards escape. I look about to see the walls of the cavern that embrace me and they are quite beautiful. They sparkle like diamonds captured for all eternity, not to be bothered but simply enjoyed by the eyes. I reach out to touch them to find also small flakes of gold glitter towards the floor and some clinging to the tips of my fingers. The floor itself a masterpiece of soft clay and pools of the bluest water rippling. I can hear the droplets falling from above to the pools like tiny musical notes playing in my ears. The entire essence of this majestic place puts my soul at ease.
Again I want to rush towards the light and find the exit so I can find someone to share this beauty. But I do not budge from my spot. Do I dare allow another to see this beauty. Can anyone else possibly admire what I have found here as much as I do now.
I recoil once again as this thought saddens me. There is no one else that can admire this but myself. For this tunnel is the inner side of me. It is who I am and I have opened it to others in the past only to have the walls ripped apart and the precious gems stolen from me., the natural springs of nourishing waters consumed by them and only spit back out, and the light that shines had been extinguished more times than I could count. But here it all is again. Just as bright and shining as it once was long ago before anyone other than me was allowed inside. Perhaps I should just keep this all to myself.
Again I want to rush towards the light and find the exit so I can find someone to share this beauty. But I do not budge from my spot. Do I dare allow another to see this beauty. Can anyone else possibly admire what I have found here as much as I do now.
I recoil once again as this thought saddens me. There is no one else that can admire this but myself. For this tunnel is the inner side of me. It is who I am and I have opened it to others in the past only to have the walls ripped apart and the precious gems stolen from me., the natural springs of nourishing waters consumed by them and only spit back out, and the light that shines had been extinguished more times than I could count. But here it all is again. Just as bright and shining as it once was long ago before anyone other than me was allowed inside. Perhaps I should just keep this all to myself.
These Thoughts........Sometimes We All Suffer Tunnel-Vision
I have fought back the urge to go to that light. I choose now to stay away and keep myself locked up here in this beautiful place within my own mind. This place which comforts me and gives me time for myself. Gives me time to reflect on everything my life has been touched with. Each person that has crossed my path through life. We are all like droplets of rain falling into the same pool. When one ripples it causes us all to ripple and eventually those ripples grow and the water deepens. When the ripples get out of control eventually some of the droplets dribble through the overflow and they travel to other pools.
We have all gone from place, one set of friends, one love to another throughout our lives.
Just droplets looking for the perfect spot to finally rest and stay. But life, other droplets and fate continues to carry us to new places so it seems each time we think we have reached our final destination. Something always happens. It causes change... those changes occur within us, not always involving our place we reside. But simply changes in our thinking, our feelings, our emotions, our out looks and our decisions. They have a saying that Old Dogs never change. That maybe true for those that have the mentality of an animal...but we are humans (most of us).... everything changes us in some way and molds us, carries us, and delivers us to new levels of learning, understanding, for those that rise to the challenge. In others it breaks them down, makes them give up, lose hope and vanish.
I am a Thinker. I am a learner. There are moments when I think giving up and giving in is the easiest route to go... but what will that make me? It will turn me into someone I do not even like. If I take all the experiences of my life and weighed them out and allowed them to dictate to me, and i gave up to them... the bad would always outweigh the good and I would be a most miserable person. No one would like me then as I would not even like myself. But I toss those bad experiences aside and try to convince myself Life is just a temporary thing and one that is given to me to make the most of. If I dwell on the things people do to purposely hurt me I would never enjoy life.
We all though have this tunnel-vision during those moments where we really can't see everything around us. We tend to be focused on well OURSELVES. When someone lies to us ...our first thought is Why did you lie to ME ? Then it turns to... How could you hurt ME like that? When someone puts us down, makes fun of us., talks about us., forgets us, does not try to understand, takes us for granted........It is always WHY ME ???? Most of us take things to personally, that is a failure of being JUST human. It is our first initial response. It is something we might never overcome. But it some how always changes us., do we ever see that person the same way again. Being in this tunnel I have created for myself has given me plenty of time to ponder on this and contemplate what I can do to change my first reaction. I may think them spontaneously in my own head.... but these thoughts stay in my OWN head until I can logically sit down and think them out rationally. Why did he lie to me? becomes ... What did I do to cause him to feel as if he needed to lie to me? Why is he spreading rumors about me?... becomes how is that people see me this way, what have I done to make people think this? It causes me to look more into who I am and who I want to be and not some one else.
We have all gone from place, one set of friends, one love to another throughout our lives.
Just droplets looking for the perfect spot to finally rest and stay. But life, other droplets and fate continues to carry us to new places so it seems each time we think we have reached our final destination. Something always happens. It causes change... those changes occur within us, not always involving our place we reside. But simply changes in our thinking, our feelings, our emotions, our out looks and our decisions. They have a saying that Old Dogs never change. That maybe true for those that have the mentality of an animal...but we are humans (most of us).... everything changes us in some way and molds us, carries us, and delivers us to new levels of learning, understanding, for those that rise to the challenge. In others it breaks them down, makes them give up, lose hope and vanish.
I am a Thinker. I am a learner. There are moments when I think giving up and giving in is the easiest route to go... but what will that make me? It will turn me into someone I do not even like. If I take all the experiences of my life and weighed them out and allowed them to dictate to me, and i gave up to them... the bad would always outweigh the good and I would be a most miserable person. No one would like me then as I would not even like myself. But I toss those bad experiences aside and try to convince myself Life is just a temporary thing and one that is given to me to make the most of. If I dwell on the things people do to purposely hurt me I would never enjoy life.
We all though have this tunnel-vision during those moments where we really can't see everything around us. We tend to be focused on well OURSELVES. When someone lies to us ...our first thought is Why did you lie to ME ? Then it turns to... How could you hurt ME like that? When someone puts us down, makes fun of us., talks about us., forgets us, does not try to understand, takes us for granted........It is always WHY ME ???? Most of us take things to personally, that is a failure of being JUST human. It is our first initial response. It is something we might never overcome. But it some how always changes us., do we ever see that person the same way again. Being in this tunnel I have created for myself has given me plenty of time to ponder on this and contemplate what I can do to change my first reaction. I may think them spontaneously in my own head.... but these thoughts stay in my OWN head until I can logically sit down and think them out rationally. Why did he lie to me? becomes ... What did I do to cause him to feel as if he needed to lie to me? Why is he spreading rumors about me?... becomes how is that people see me this way, what have I done to make people think this? It causes me to look more into who I am and who I want to be and not some one else.
Melancholy - my cave of solitude
So I did venture to that light after all. It was a trap. I thought I had heard his voice calling to me, the one that had been on the outside. The one that I once walked hand-in-hand with enjoying the sunlight. It was his voice. He had been calling. He called me to come to the light and join him. The closer I came the more it hurt though. It felt good to be back in his arms even if for a short time. The light though was blinding and painful. But as long as I knew I could remain in his arms, remain in his love I could endure the pain of being in the light and i was willing again to step out of this cave to be with him. But then he had to go. I was smiling as he left as he told me as he parted he would return to me soon. I was naive and believed him. He smiled as we parted. We kissed and made love before he left. It was like a beautiful music playing gently in my head and I was dreaming again, Believing in his words that he said he loved me and was in love with me.
Only a day passed and I received a harsh message that he was not returning and he was leaving me for good. All contact with him he was beginning to sever and I had meant nothing to him, well I had meant little to him as he loved another.
Back to my cave of solitude to sit and wait. To call to him with my heart. Hoping some how my love for him would bring him back. But it wasn't my heart that he returns for now. It is the situation of things not going as he planned. Do I now take him back and allow him back to my cave with me? or do I seal it shut from his return?
If I take him in my arms will I weep for joy or will it be melancholy of a love so tainted now that the pain of what could of been will now never truly be?
Only a day passed and I received a harsh message that he was not returning and he was leaving me for good. All contact with him he was beginning to sever and I had meant nothing to him, well I had meant little to him as he loved another.
Back to my cave of solitude to sit and wait. To call to him with my heart. Hoping some how my love for him would bring him back. But it wasn't my heart that he returns for now. It is the situation of things not going as he planned. Do I now take him back and allow him back to my cave with me? or do I seal it shut from his return?
If I take him in my arms will I weep for joy or will it be melancholy of a love so tainted now that the pain of what could of been will now never truly be?
The Wandering Soul
Instead of slumping back into my seclusion I wandered about on the outside of this cave. Peeking around the corners of the hillsides and down the long slopes of the life path that lead me to this point. It was a long walk and climb to where I am now and the treacherous pathway that now loomed out in front of me seemed to be dangerous to take again. I could hear the voices of my friends and family far below me. Calling out my name still in search of me. They could not see me from where I sat watching them. How long have they been searching? How long have I spent in this cave? Years it seemed. And yet here they still were not giving up hope of finding me again.
The entrance to the cave not more than a foot away behind me. I could feel the cool air from its tunnels blowing against my skin as if calling me back. My skin tingled and my eyes closed feeling it as though fingertips caressing my body. I wanted so badly to dive back to the cave and just forget everything. But the sounds of my friends ringing in my ears penetrated this feeling and my eyes opened to the world before me.
A tangled mass of vines and trees blocked my vision from seeing clearly. My hand reached out and I gripped the vine closes to me wandering what it would be like to just swing freely from this vine and feel the rush of excitement fill me. I stood to my feet and steadied the grip, wrapping one leg about the vine and before being ready I lost my other footing and before I knew it I was swinging back and forth. My heart pumped harder and at first I had to close my eyes. My grip tightened even more as I held on for dear life. If I let go I would surely fall to my death upon the jungle floor. This world is a jungle so thickly matted however I bumped from one tree to the next which sent me spinning wildly in place. I felt like a spider dangling from a webbing only I could not control my actions. The spinning kept me dizzy and I clutched the vine with all my strength wishing it would stop.
I had lost my footing and spun myself out of control.
If not for the strength of this vine I now clung to I do not think I would have safely made it to the other side. This vine was part of my salvation bringing me away from that cave that kept calling me back inside. That Vine carried me through the dark lonely night hours. I was afraid to let go of the vine. It felt perfect in my hands and my head rested against it as the spinning began to cease. It's strength and ability to bridge gaps filled me with a peaceful feeling. For many days and nights I could only hold onto it and rest my eyes, knowing I did not even need to hold onto this vine because it had gently wrapped itself around me and was holding me with great affection.
It must have been days when I re-opened my eyes to this world and suddenly realized where I was again. Startled at first awakening I grabbed hold of the first thing that felt strong to hold me. My vine was being pulled to the edge of the cliff side and the motion sent butterflies through my body. There on the edge my rescuers pulled me from the vine and into their grasp, steadying my foothold till I could stand on my own. One arm wrapped about my waist to offer a more grounded footing. He kept his arm there and his eyes looked into my scared eyes. His smile showed me he meant me no harm and as broken as I had been I welcomed his smile. I enjoyed the comfort of his arms.
....to be continued
The entrance to the cave not more than a foot away behind me. I could feel the cool air from its tunnels blowing against my skin as if calling me back. My skin tingled and my eyes closed feeling it as though fingertips caressing my body. I wanted so badly to dive back to the cave and just forget everything. But the sounds of my friends ringing in my ears penetrated this feeling and my eyes opened to the world before me.
A tangled mass of vines and trees blocked my vision from seeing clearly. My hand reached out and I gripped the vine closes to me wandering what it would be like to just swing freely from this vine and feel the rush of excitement fill me. I stood to my feet and steadied the grip, wrapping one leg about the vine and before being ready I lost my other footing and before I knew it I was swinging back and forth. My heart pumped harder and at first I had to close my eyes. My grip tightened even more as I held on for dear life. If I let go I would surely fall to my death upon the jungle floor. This world is a jungle so thickly matted however I bumped from one tree to the next which sent me spinning wildly in place. I felt like a spider dangling from a webbing only I could not control my actions. The spinning kept me dizzy and I clutched the vine with all my strength wishing it would stop.
I had lost my footing and spun myself out of control.
If not for the strength of this vine I now clung to I do not think I would have safely made it to the other side. This vine was part of my salvation bringing me away from that cave that kept calling me back inside. That Vine carried me through the dark lonely night hours. I was afraid to let go of the vine. It felt perfect in my hands and my head rested against it as the spinning began to cease. It's strength and ability to bridge gaps filled me with a peaceful feeling. For many days and nights I could only hold onto it and rest my eyes, knowing I did not even need to hold onto this vine because it had gently wrapped itself around me and was holding me with great affection.
It must have been days when I re-opened my eyes to this world and suddenly realized where I was again. Startled at first awakening I grabbed hold of the first thing that felt strong to hold me. My vine was being pulled to the edge of the cliff side and the motion sent butterflies through my body. There on the edge my rescuers pulled me from the vine and into their grasp, steadying my foothold till I could stand on my own. One arm wrapped about my waist to offer a more grounded footing. He kept his arm there and his eyes looked into my scared eyes. His smile showed me he meant me no harm and as broken as I had been I welcomed his smile. I enjoyed the comfort of his arms.
....to be continued